This is My Life! ☀️

Now that I’ve had some time to process my story, let’s talk about how it was to write it... HARD! 😅 As a kid I used to love writing! I always had a diary or journal or something I was writing my thoughts in. Even in school and after I was a “note taker”. I love lists and planning and schedules and writing Facebook posts. 👍🏻 But putting my thoughts and feelings to paper no longer felt safe. I felt betrayed at 14/15 years old and that my words were used against me.

The Need for Therapy

I can look at the whole situation now and understand. I am a Mother. If my child was exhibiting the same signs I was, I probably would have done the same. Although I would have talked to my child and believed my child. 💗 And I would continue to fight for them to get the help they need. I know my parents did the best they could at the time with the resources they had but oh how I wish they would have forced me into therapy.

As a kid the first provider I saw was the psychologist that reported the abuse. I wouldn’t speak to him. I was angry he that he reported this mess. 😠 I only seen him twice (I think) but I hardly remember going to him. Then I started seeing a woman therapist during the investigation. It only lasted until court was over… I think? 🤔 I remember her being pushy and telling me I HAD to tell her everything before court. I don’t remember speaking to her at all.

I NEEDED therapy back then. 🥺 Even if I wasn’t speaking and it felt like a waste of time… it wasn’t. Maybe with time I would have opened up. Maybe with time I could have processed all this mess back then. Maybe with time I could have healed instead of suffering all this time. 😞 BUT maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe my little 14 year old self knew I couldn’t handle the whole truth. Maybe I needed this time to grow and mature enough to process it. Maybe I’m on the exact path I’m supposed to be on.

Learning about Myself

The first couple entries weren’t too bad. I wrote and edited and reread and it was going well. Then I started writing about the things I hadn’t shared before. Suddenly my hands were shaky, my body was tense, & my brain went into a fog. 😶‍🌫️ Where the first couple were done in one evening the rest took a couple weeks. Sometimes I had to completely walk away for a few days and let my body relax. I’ve still only reread a couple of the entries once or twice. It is so hard exposing the truth and coming to terms with reality. 😰

I have learned SO much about myself in the last 9 months. I’ve learned to listen to my body. To understand what my body is saying. To analyze the feelings and figure out where they come from. I have come to understand anxiety and depression. I know what it feels like and looks like. 🌪 I can see in other people when their anxieties rise. I have a deeper sympathy for those struggling with anxiety or depression. I understand it more now. And understanding it makes it easier to manage. ☀️

I have also learned that when I’m “in it”… when I’m super anxious or upset, I revert back to that 11/12 or 14/15 year old girl. I act like a child! My brain literally can not process the situation with an adult rational mind. It goes back to that “freeze” state or I might act like a bratty child. 👧🏼 More than once arguing with David, I could feel myself acting like a child and I couldn’t stop. In my adult brain I knew I was ridiculous and bratty… but I couldn’t change how I was acting. After the situation and stepping back, after calming down and using my adult brain to function, I typically can apologize and explain what happened. By doing this I am hopefully retraining my brain and my hope is to eventually not act like a bratty child ever 😅😝 or at least be able to stop!

Healing Within

I know I am healing because everything has changed. I am far from “better” and have plenty of bad days but I can see the improvements. 🥹 I’ve spent years reliving the same awful couple dreams (memories) in horrible physical night terrors. Now I have a different dream that’s calmer but eerie. Again a memory but not so awful. The things that “trigger” me have changed. Things have changed but for the better. It’s hard to see the progress when you’re in it but it helps to have others remind you how far you’ve come!!! 🌈 It’s hard to feel like you’re improving when you’re trying to juggle new issues that you have to learn to navigate. It takes time!

Challenging Myself

Going to Ohio was refreshing. The anticipation leading up to Ohio was awful! 😵‍💫 But proving to myself that I COULD GO and BE OKAY was HUGE. I’ve been telling myself for years I wouldn’t be able to go back after December 2021… but I did! I don’t plan on going back ANY time soon 😝 but I still did it!!! I no longer have that “can’t” in me or his power over my ability to see my family. I surprised myself while there. I kept it together (mostly), stood my ground on my choices, & felt confident (at times) for the first time in a while. 💪🏼

I am surprised how smooth the drive went to be honest. We took the dogs as our “test run” to see how they would do if we took them on vacation with us. I also figured they would be a big distraction 😅 but they weren’t a bad distraction at all! We are super excited to take them (and the kids 😜) on our 16 day road trip to New Mexico from Florida!!!

I am so thankful for all the amazing people that God placed in my path on this journey. I could not do this alone. I am so thankful that I am going to experience this next family vacation in a way I never could fully before. 🤩 I am thankful for anyone who reads this and may be touched. I am thankful for a lot of things but mostly for my God & my Life!!! ✝️

In Love & Health, 💕

Vanessa Workman 💙

(Workman Hands 🤲🏻)