Diving in Head First 🙃

I’ve noticed I have very little self control. 😅 “If I have it… I gotta eat it” type mentality. I have some control when it comes to purchasing items. But if it’s in my house and staring at me, I have very little self control. Maybe that’s my inner child losing control. Maybe it’s something that was engraved early on.

I wouldn’t consider myself an impulsive person but anxiety makes me impulsive. I have noticed I can be very impulsive when it comes to my trauma. I have a REALLY hard time making decisions when I’m anxious. The more anxious I am, the more confused I am. 😵‍💫

I can be a little anxious and just be unable to process what the kids are asking for and if it is reasonable. I’m nearing max capacity and I just don’t have the energy to try to rationalize.

I can be a lot anxious and feel like my brain is scrambled eggs. 🍳 I can’t think, I can find myself spinning in circles trying to figure out where to walk, something as simples as “sit down and take some deep breaths” is unable to be registered. 🫥

Upon the receipt of a letter or social media post I was impulsive and HAD to read them immediately. 📨 I was terrified and traumatized but there was no thinking through it or waiting until I’m in a safe place with support. There was no control even though I knew what it would do to me, to read it. And the anticipation of the next one was haunting. 😟

Looking back now I guess I can acknowledge some impulsive decisions that were maybe positive. As much as I’ve refused to admit it for the last 15 years, writing that Bloop Diary was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. That was my official cry for help, on top of the puking and cutting, even if I didn’t understand it at the time. I made that choice when I wrote that entry. I made that choice to carry around that folder. And I made that choice to not hide it better. 📂

The start of my monumental breakdown in September also stemmed from an impulsive decision. I feel like, going up to his brother and asking if he had something to say to me and his words that followed, put me over the edge. But that’s exactly what I needed to do at the time. And I may have went over the edge either way anyways! 🤪

My impulsive decision to write my story AND share it… that hit me like a ton of bricks. 🧱 That’s something I never imagined I could do publicly. It’s not something I’ve ever even been able to put down on paper at one time since writing no longer felt safe. ✍️ So to write it and publish it AND share the Facebook page on my personal page… reality hit me pretty quick.

The difference is, each time, I’ve been further along in my journey. I’ve been stronger with more tools and resources. 💪🏼 I had a larger and more understanding support system. I have WAY more control than I ever have. Even if when I’m super “in it” and feel like I have zero control, it won’t last. It won’t last as long. It won’t hit as hard. I’ll be okay.

That’s not to say that desperation doesn’t still come into play when you’re swirling 🌪 in your emotions. That feeling like you’re broken or unfixable. Even that will pass. And it will pass sooner once you understand why. Once you give yourself some sympathy! 🫂

For me… I put this off for so long. I buried this so deep to pretend it never happened. 😶‍🌫️ I had moments where I thought I was ready, and dipped my toe in the water, but it wasn’t the right time. I was lacking something critically needed.

Maybe at that time it was my lack of support, or my distance from God, or maybe my bucket was already full and I couldn’t handle adding this big shovel of sand without it spilling over. 🪣 Whatever the reason, it wasn’t the right time, and that’s okay! But OH how I wish I had taken the time to get myself to a place where it could be the right time.

And I think that’s why I’m diving in head first now. 🥴 I think I’ve lived with this pain for so long that I just want it to be over with. I often get overwhelmed with thoughts like, I should be better by now, I’m never going to heal, or I’m doomed to a lifetime of misery. But that’s where support comes in. That’s where David or my therapist reminds me how far I’ve come. 💞 All the hurdles I’ve leaped, the difference in how I understand myself, and a reminder how. This. Is. Temporary!

It’s kinda like ripping off the bandaid 🩹 or jumping right in the cold pool! Act then react. And now I’m better equipped to react. I know what I need to do. And it’s ok to ask for help. 🫱🏼‍🫲🏽 We as humans need support and love and compassion. And we need to remember that all other humans do too.

Be Kind, Love Others 💓,

Vanessa Workman 💙

(Workman Hands 🤲🏻)