The Effects of Guilt & Shame 😰

What is the difference between guilt and shame and how do they affect us? 🤔

Guilt & Shame are typically also accompanied by feelings of regret and self-hate. 😔

Guilt is "the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime; feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy"

Shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

Guilt often causes people to try really hard to make things right by overworking and over-giving in an attempt to make everyone happy. 😬 Ignore your needs and desires in order to avoid upsetting others. Become overly sensitive to making right decisions in your personal actions, choice of words and decisions. Lack decision-making skills since you always want to make the “right” choice. Create self-denial by always putting other people first. Become emotionally closed off and only able to see the negative aspects of life. Use the discomfort of guilt to motivate you to change things in your life to eliminate the guilt. Use guilt as a mask for your low self-esteem. Make irrational decisions based on the guilt. Many people have guilt that is not warranted. We need to make sure we're putting the guilt correctly where it belongs.

Shame destroys a person’s self-esteem and sense of who they are and causes people really serious problems. 😩 Have issues with intimacy. Find themselves in relationships with people who encourage their negative behaviors. Isolate themselves from others. Have self-condemning attitudes and talk negatively about themselves, which can lead to self-loathing and self-sabotaging behavior. Bringing others down to make themselves feel better. Seek perfection to avoid future shame. Be overly nice to others in hopes to prove their worth.

Both of these can be felt without any wrongdoing. 🧠 Sometimes our brains get confused and put the blame on itself rather than the actual guilty party. Many times we are manipulated into having those feelings if the guilt doesn't actually belong. If left untreated these feelings can cause huge issues in our bodies. We need to discover those feelings and release them. 👐🏻 That is what I am working on...

Where does my Shame and Guilt come from? I have thought very long and very hard about this. I have searched through my subconscious and memories, and this is what I have learned about myself, so far. I am VERY empathetic. 🥵 I can feel, and if not careful, absorb the mood, energy, & feelings of others around me. This can be great in a good healthy environment. But it puts a huge toll on our body when we carry those emotions that don't belong to us. 🪨

I used to feel guilty for writing that Bloop Diary Entry and letting the authorities get ahold of it, but I know now I did exactly what that little girl needed back then. 🗒 I used to feel guilty about not telling the whole truth, but I know now that little girl couldn't handle any more. I used to feel guilty about my parents' divorce because of the timing, but I can see now the relationship was over long before. I used to feel guilt that his father passed, and his mother was aging alone, but I know now HIS choices left his mother alone. 👵🏼 I used to feel guilt for my mental health and the effects it has on my family, but I know now I didn't cause those issues. I used to feel guilt that my parents had this big secret, but I know now it wasn't their secret.

I used to feel shame for the acts that were committed against me. I used to feel like people could look at me and see the brokenness. I used to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I used to have a very low self-esteem. I used to feel like I shamed my family because it wasn't talked about. But I know now that shame does NOT belong to me. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I survived. I did what I had to do when I did it to keep my little self safe. 💞

I know where a lot of these feelings come from now. It's funny how distinct moments stick in your mind as such vivid memories. 😵‍💫 I will share some that I have discovered led to these unsupported feelings... The first are his words. By him telling me my Father would be disappointed. By him manipulating me into thinking I was doing something wrong. My child self was completely convinced I was the cause. My parents divorce came at probably the worst time. 🥴 They were consumed in their own worries and had been broken for a long time. But when you're a kid in the middle of the biggest most stressful moments of your life and your parents decide to split, it's easy to think you played a big part in that.

The biggest, most impactful, moment of unwarranted shame was gifted to me by his attorney during the trial. 👨‍⚖️ The only part of testifying I remember was his attorney hounding me over and over if this REALLY happened... How could I have a boyfriend and be sexually active? Why didn't my grades in school drop? My mother said I lied about a lot of things so I must be lying about this too. How could I continue to chat with him on AIM if he really did those things? 🖥 Those words cut deep and still circle my head to this day. But I know that was his job.

Right after the trial I was home alone and the Detective who investigated the case stopped by. He wanted to talk with my Mother. He stepped inside the house as I'm shaking and trying to remember my Moms cell number. He wasn't there long but at some point, he said something along the lines of "nothing happened here between us. you can't say anything happened..." I was completely confused because nothing had happened. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Then I realized he was covering himself. He was saying that in the event I lied and said he tried to do something??? Was he recording the conversation? I wondered if he even actually believed me.

I can remember every instance of someone saying, "but did that really happen", "are you sure you didn't want him too", "you don't actually feel that way do you?", or knowing people are talking about the trauma especially when they only know his side. And then the letters and social media. The years and years of manipulation. Trying to convince me he loved me. Trying to convince me he was innocent. Trying to convince me my parents never believed me. Trying to convince me I was a liar and ruined his life. Trying to convince me that I was the one at fault.

But now I know...💡 Now I know the TRUTH. Now I know where the true guilt and shame belongs. I know that everything I did was exactly what I needed to do at the time. Now I know that regardless, if my parents or anyone else believed me or not, it still happened. And I am not at fault. It is NOT my guilt and shame to carry any longer. I did not choose to have my life altered at so young. I do not choose the feelings inside my body. My body is designed to protect me, and now it's time that I protect it. Now I heal and understand and move forward. Now I no longer have to suffer!💓

Take a minute and REALLY study yourself. Next time you get that feeling of guilt or shame just stop for a second and figure out where it is coming from. Is it warranted? Is there something you need to apologize to and be forgiven for? Or does the guilt or shame you feel belong to someone else? Life is hard enough with the experiences and feelings that we own. Carrying someone else's guilt and/or shame only breaks down our mind & bodies unnecessarily. We can't apologize and fix something we didn't create. We need to make sure we are only holding onto our positive feelings and figuring out how to dispose of the negative ones. Don't forget to take the time to love and forgive yourself. 💗

With a Healing Heart ❤️‍🩹, Vanessa Workman 💙 (Workman Hands LLC 🤲🏻)