Spiritual Block 🪨

I want to start off by saying I am a born again Christian. My sister and I both accepted Jesus Christ into our hearts at almost 9 years old and was baptized about 6 months later. I rode the church bus every Sunday and most Wednesdays. I loved going to Church. ⛪️ It was somewhere away from my house and life made sense to me!

This was prior to the start of the abuse. I didn’t dislike my home but it was messy and we didn’t go places often. I went to every Vacation Bible School and event I was able to. I was often awarded the “Quiet Seat Award” or the award for best rider of that week on the route. 🚎 I loved singing and memorizing verses and all of it! I loved going to church!

And then things went south. My grandparents had been going to the same church regularly for a decent amount of time. I would attend Sunday school then sit in the main service with them. Then 9/11 hit and our Pastor said something that put a terrible taste in my grandparents mouth. 😧 They ended up leaving to find a new church.

Shortly after that the pastor decided no kids could attend the main service unless they were with their family. 😑 Our church bus driver and his wife welcomed me to sit with them but the Pastor still said no. I was not at all comfortable with the teacher in the Jr. Church class and my bus route leaders were moving… I eventually stopped going. Funny story though: David’s whole family went to the same church but I only remember his Aunt & Uncle (my bus leaders) and his Dad substitute driving before. 🚌

I had spent the last few years learning about this loving good God. I spent those years singing and studying and embracing it all. I was so fulfilled and so invested. I tried a few other churches out with my Grandparents but I just couldn’t seem to find what we had before. 🧐

I remember wondering how this God could be so loving when he allowed the tragedy of 9/11. I probably overheard something similar on the news. I remember being frightened and sleeping on my parents floor. I remember all the news 📰 reporting and how somber the world felt.

And then… about a year(?) later the abuse began. I remember praying during the start of him entering my window. Trying to make sense of it all and understand. And then it was like a light switch turned off. 🌌 Not on my faith or God. I never denounced God. I really don’t think I was ever even angry. I just separated the two topics completely.

I didn’t pray about it, didn’t think about the two at the same time. They were two totally different worlds. In my early 20s I spent another long stretch of time faithful in Church. Even as close as I was to God I still wasn’t connected to him in that secret world. 👎🏼 I didn’t spend much time on it though. I didn’t realize there was the disconnect then though because it was so separate.

And then there’s now. Now I recognize there is a huge disconnect. I know I need to figure out how to merge the 2 and I could find SO much healing! ❤️‍🩹 I’ve tried some exercises which have been refreshing but I haven’t quite fully connected yet. It’s a work in progress for sure.

It doesn’t help that we’ve yet to find a church that is a good fit for all of us here. ☹️ We are Baptist but the Baptist churches here either don’t use the King James Version (which we use) or there’s hardly a kids program. I know we will find the right one at the right time. I know God opens doors and knows my heart even when I have blinders on. 🫣

I, now, can name SO many times where I can look back and think… Wow - God played a part in that. There’s no other explanation or any other way it could have happened that way without his divine mercy. 😍 He did such and such at just the right time over and over. He has put everything into place for us so perfectly since leaving Ohio and having faith we could do it. He has taught us so many lessons and opened so many doors.

I know I’m getting closer to reconnecting the two. 🤞 Right now I’m focusing on reconnecting with my inner child. Trying to heal those wounds and support that child so she can help me reconnect the two. 👩‍👧 I know I’m close because just recognizing it means it’s fixable. You can’t fix something you don’t know is broken.

Romans 10:9-10 (KJV) - That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 📖

If you’ve never taken the time to ask God for your forgiveness; to tell him how truly you believe in him in the deepest parts of your heart; then now is the time. 💓 God can help you with whatever you’re struggling with but you have to know him. There’s a beautiful amazing unbelievable eternity waiting for us. Don’t get left behind! You never know when will be your last day. Or those of others.

I am no expert but I would be happy to help anyone and show anyone how they can accept that gift of a peaceful forever. 💗 If God & Jesus & the Bible isn’t your thing, I strongly encourage you to research a bit with an open mind. Regardless of your beliefs, I think it is a HUGE HUGE help to have a higher power of some sort in your support system.

That’s all for now ✝️,

Vanessa Workman 💙

(Workman Hands 🤲🏼)