An Open Letter to My Abuser

Dear Neighbor,

I forgive you. I can forgive you but I will never forget. I can forgive you but I hope you know how much pain you have brought into my life. I can forgive you but I hope you can admit your truth and get the help you need too. I can forgive you but my mind & body doesn't forget. I can forgive you but the nightmares don't stop. I can forgive you but I will live with the pain of your abuse forever.

I wish I could understand why. I have come to terms with the fact I will likely never truly understand. But I can't help but wonder what shaped you into that monster. Were you abused too? Is there something inside of you that you cannot control? Were you minimized as a child and craved control? Do you really believe it is the fault of that little girl? Do you understand how much damage you have caused?

I have lived in pain and suffered for so many years. I never wanted you to know. I wanted to pretend I was strong and brave. I wanted to pretend you didn't have that control. I wanted to pretend you never hurt me. But you did. You did cause the pain and suffering. I was not strong or brave. You did have that control over me. You hurt me. But not any more! Now I fight. Now I stand strong and take back my life. Now you no longer have any power over me.

I am no longer that child. I am a mature wife, mother, & business owner. I am successful and fulfilled. I am in control and I love myself. I love myself even though I couldn't before. I love myself even though years of my childhood were ripped away. I love myself even when I don't understand myself. I am learning my thoughts, feelings, & reactions. I am learning the person I've grown into.

I can't imagine what your life must be like. Do you feel any guilt or remorse? Are you ready to admit the pain you have caused and forgive yourself? 16 years in prison... Did they really rehabilitate you or just keep you away from other victims only to get out and prey again? Have you asked God to help you control your urges? Can you see now the damage you caused? Is there good inside of you that now knows what you did was wrong?

I considered you a friend. More like a cousin. You were one of us. You were supposed to be safe. You were supposed to watch over us. You were supposed to act like an adult. You were supposed to be kind. But you weren't safe. You didn't act like a mature adult. You didn't watch over us. And you hurt me. And you hurt others. You hurt me, my friends, my family, your family, your friends, etc. Can you see that now!? YOU did this!

Why did you continue to write me and bother me for over a decade? Was it just me or did you harass all your victims? Were you trying to manipulate me and pull me back into that nightmare? Did you hope that I kept the whole truth out of court because I cared for you? Did you think I still cared for you because I never spoke out? Did you really think I was still under your spell? Did you really think I would write you back???

As much as I want the answers to all these questions, I don't want them from you. I will never trust you or believe you. I will never have sympathy or empathy for you. I will pray for you but I will not care for you. I will not wish bad upon you but I will never wish any good either. Deep down I hope you aren't tormented by the crimes you committed and lives you destroyed. You may not deserve this Earth but God is forgiving,

I hope you know I am stronger now. I hope you know against the odds I created a beautiful life for myself. I hope you know that I am happy. I hope you know that I have a perfect little family. I hope you know you didn't take my whole life. You stole many years but I am stronger and now I take them back. I hope you know I will protect my family until my dying breath. I am not scared of you anymore.

I've dreamed of writing this letter for years but I never thought I'd be able to. I never thought I'd get to a place where I can actually forgive you and not be scared of you. I never thought I'd be able to be happy and grounded. But. I. Am! This next chapter in my life is going to be my best yet. The rest of my life doesn't involve you. And I hope you can move on with yours and not destroy anyone else's.

I know this letter will get back to you. I'm assuming by now you've read the blog. I'm assuming now you are just trying to move on with your life. I am not actually looking for a response. I just want you to know the pain you have caused. I want you to know I will not stop fighting back if necessary. I want you to know I am stronger now and have a huge support system. I want you to know... I will prevail! In Sincerity,

Vanessa Workman