This is My Story - Part 6

Let’s back up… throughout all these years I did see counselors. At least 5 different ones. I just never stuck with it. I was never ready and never lasted more than a month or two. I read many many self help books and internet articles on how to fix me. 🤕 Also as a child, I felt like I had zero support. My parents didn’t believe me, they were going through a divorce, I couldn’t confide in my friends about this, all my boyfriend could think about was hunting, and the whole thing was kept a big secret so I’m pretty sure most my family didn’t even know. It was rough but I managed to figure out how to ride the waves and put on a happy face. 🌊

Before going to Ohio that September, I was very aware of my former neighbors release date. I was still puking, still having PTSD symptoms, and I knew his release would be terrible for my mental health. I often confided in my husband that I was scared of what would happen when he was released. I was terrified of having some sort of breakdown. 😰 I wanted to see a counselor and finally figure this out but it was easier not to think about it.

The Aftermath

After returning home… I. Fell. Apart. 💥 I had a complete and total mental / emotional breakdown. Everything suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn’t know how to function. I was puking more and more, getting dangerously low in weight, having panic attacks, and I literally thought I was going crazy. 🎭

I had just started on my own at the hospital and making good money. 🏥 But now I couldn’t go… before every shift I would get so nausea, start puking, then just totally spiral into horrible panic attacks that lasted what seemed like forever. If I wasn’t puking, I was laying in bed spinning like a black out drunk (I don’t drink alcohol). My brain couldn’t process what was happening. 🧠 Everything just stayed a jumbled mess. I could hardly make as simple of a decision as walking to the bathroom to pee. There was nothing left in me.

After calling off at the hospital twice because of the uncontrollable vomiting, the next time was really bad. In a panic attack with no rational thoughts, I resigned. I was really losing it and I didn’t know what to do. I started frantically calling counseling centers, psychiatrists, and doctors. I was crazy and I had to fix it before I was so crazy I would deny I’m crazy and not get help, I thought to myself. 🥴

After nearly 3 weeks of waiting to get into an appointment with a counselor, I spilled my guts. I was open and honest and desperate for help. Then she told me her next available appointment was nearly 3 weeks out. Um? I needed help now! Psychiatrists in the area were months out. 😵‍💫 I had no options. I considered checking myself into a psych ward just to get help but I couldn’t leave my family. I still had responsibilities even if I was hardly managing them. Thankfully a family member reached out and sent some temporary help my way until I could get connected with someone. And I was able to get into my family doctor which helped a bit. The Womens Center

Then I found this wonderful, amazing, God sent, place called the Women’s Center. This was exactly what I needed. And God led me right to them. 💻 They were so helpful and could do all the thinking for me. They set me up with a weekly counselor. Then set me up with a victims advocate to see what other services they could provide. They were very worried for my safety with his soon approaching release date, so they connected me with a lawyer who would help me file and obtain an injunction against him (restraining order) before his release. All FREE OF CHARGE. 😭

Everything was falling into place and I finally had some hope. I got scheduled with a teladoc psychiatrist who helped me find a temporary way to get through life and process all of this. 🫥 But now the realization of having to go to court again was settling in. I was terrified. They were rushing to get the motion filed so we could hopefully have a court date before his release. I KNEW I couldn’t face him in person. 🫣

Filing the Injunction

Now, I had to gather all the evidence. All those years of letters, harassment, and social media posts about me. 📑 I had to read through every word to find the threats and pieces that would be sure to win over the judge. It was awful but slightly healing at the same time. I spent hours with my advocate combing through it all, making copies of it all, and then I had to write my statement. I had to explain why I needed this. I had to explain everything. Then once prepared I had to take it all to the courthouse and file. I thought the ladies behind the desk might faint when I handed them a folder with nearly a full ream of paper inside 😬 but they were relieved when they realized it was all copies and we did all the work for them.

I was so relieved when I received the Temporary Injunction Approval & notice in the mail of the court date (before his release) and that the judge granted that he could attend by Audio - Phone Call. 🙌🏻 Ok, I can do this, I tried to convince myself. As the court date quickly approached, I was terrified. Meltdowns, panic attacks, and constant fear. I decided I absolutely wasn’t doing it unless my husband could be in there with me. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed him. Thankfully they allowed him to sit directly behind us. 💞 Injunction Hearing

Before going in, there was some confusion if he had actually been served and received the notice. I knew if it was delayed there’s a chance he could show up in person. This was it, if it wasn’t today I wasn’t going through with it. 🙅🏻‍♀️ I was shaking so bad and trying to keep it together. My advocate and lawyer tried to make small talk and distract me as I melted into the bench. By the time we were called into the courtroom I was shaking so bad I was nearly invisible. I couldn’t sit still or control the shaking. I felt like I was going to rattle straight to the moon. 🚀 It was hard to focus and understand what was happening.

They called us in prematurely, still trying to figure out if he was attending, and I sat in agony while the judge heard another case before us. They made contact. And the Judge wanted his attendance by video. I thought I was going to die right then. I can’t see him and I don’t want him to see me. I panicked and almost ran out of the courtroom. 🏃🏻‍♀️ I had made it this far but I just couldn’t do it. 😭

David and my advocate reassured me and talked me through it. I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn’t process what was being said. I knew if I had to speak I was done for. Thankfully my lawyer took care of that. I kept my gaze down or on the judge. I snuck a quick look and lightening shot through my body. ⚡️ This was too much.

Turns out he was NEVER served at the prison! He never received the subpoena, temporary injunction, my statement, or evidence. None of it. The only thing he received was the piece of paper saying he could attend by Audio - Phone. 📞 He agreed to continue without being properly served. Then he agreed to the Injunction!? We were all shocked. Completely thrown off. We expected a fight. We expected it to be tough. My lawyer instantly requested the Injunction be placed indefinitely and she agreed! It could only have been an act of God for everything to happen just how it did. I felt so much relief. 😌

Re-Processing

After that hearing something amazing happened. It was like a light switch flipped on in my brain and my entire existence was reprocessed with an adult way of thinking. 📜 I could for the first time see that no matter what he claims I did… I was STILL A CHILD. Nothing he says I did or said at 11/12 years old should matter when it comes to an adult 21/22 year old! Period! I could see more clearly the mind games he would play in his letters. 📃 I could trust myself even if no one else did before. I could analyze the situation through an adult perspective. An outsider looking in. I was in a fog for at least few days while my brain felt like it was constantly flipping through, searching for, and changing all the records/files in my head. I felt like I had a little bit of power back!

And from there, I think we’re at the “now” part to this story. How I’ve been managing, what I’m up to now, our recent trip to Ohio, and my current journey. I'm still struggling but there is hope! I am hopeful and still working very hard on myself. ❤️‍🩹 That is the point of this blog. I’ve been told I need to share my story. I need to speak the words out of my body. I need to quit letting this be such a heavy secret and maybe help someone along the way on my path to healing! My passion is helping people and if that means I can help someone get unstuck while I’m on this journey then it will all be worth it!

Never lose faith 💖,

-Vanessa ☮️

(Workman Hands 🤲🏻)