This is My Story - Part 7

And now we’ve reached present time. I’m not “fixed” but I’m better. I still have bad days and I’m still working very hard. I still see my psychiatrist, I still see my weekly therapist, and I do a lot of exploring healing work, listening to podcasts, reading books, yoga 🧘🏻‍♀️ , and I guess now writing! I still have a long way to go but I feel more free from this “secret” than I have in the last 20 years. I still have meltdowns, and PTSD symptoms, and occasional panic attacks but it’s better and getting even better. Back to Work

He was released a week before Christmas. 🎄 It was tough but I don’t really remember much from this past Nov-Feb. I was pretty much in a daze just trying to survive each day. 😶‍🌫️ I started trying to work one night a week at the nursing home. Sometimes I threw up but I managed to get there.

In late January, I was working my way up to 2-3 nights/week when I was offered a position helping a 95 & 90 year old couple in their beachfront condo. Um YES! I instantly fell in love and knew this was what I was meant to do. 👴🏼👵🏼 I spent the majority of my time with them helping with chores, making meals, cleaning the house, making their beds, etc.

Rus :)

Shortly after, I was offered another part time position, doing basically the same thing, for a 62 year old quadriplegic man. 🦽 Again I fell in love. He was the most Godly, loving, & gentle soul with so much drive and determination. He had been paralyzed since 16 years old and lived on his own a lot of his life. He inspired me. He brought me closer with God. I couldn’t leave through his door without him saying a prayer. 🙏🏻 He was very special to me. He reminded me of my Grandpa. He looked and sounded so similar. It was almost like I was given a chance to “care for my Grandpa” after he passed during Covid and I was unable to see him.

Laying down I could see my Grandpa but when he would sit up, when his hair was long, I always got a quick flash of my cousin who took his life 7 years ago. 💔 Taking care of Rus gave me so much peace and closure. Sadly he passed away pretty suddenly just over 2 weeks ago with many of us who loved him at his side. I wish I had more time with him. I wish he didn’t have to go so soon. It was such a blessing to care for him. But he beat the odds. He well outlived his life expectancy with his condition. He was ready to get his legs back and DANCE with Jesus!!! 🕺🏻

Turo

We also decided to take a huge risk and buy a couple cars to rent out on Turo. 🚘 We have big dreams and we’re going to make them happen!!! I take care of the business and detailing side of things and David handles the mechanical stuff, giving me rides, and helping with detailing when he can. I’m currently taking home health and cleaning jobs. 🧹 I’m still working really hard on me. The kids are all at tough ages 14, 12, & 8 and need a lot of support right now. 💞 To Drop Off or Pick Up them all to/from school it’s takes 1-1/2 hours of mostly driving each time. So yeah, I stay busy!!!

Anticipation

We recently took a 6 day trip to Ohio and back with us 2 Adults, our 3 Kids, & 2 Dogs in my Ford Explorer!!! 😳 The anticipation leading up to the trip was horrific. I was constantly anxious. Had a few meltdowns. I even had such a huge meltdown 2 weekends before our trip that I quit therapy (but not really), one of my jobs, and had never been so close to death in my life. It felt like the world was ending. 😦 If this was what my life was going to be then I was done. I couldn’t think rationally. I couldn’t figure out how to breathe or move. I felt like I needed to escape. I snuck my keys and bolted for my car. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know how long I was gone. I screamed and cried and screamed some more while trying to stay on the road. I felt so much pain in that instant and I was so hopeless and alone. 🌪

Thankfully my extremely patient and loving husband was able to calm me down enough and bring me back to reality once I finally gave him the chance. I made a promise to him over 10 years ago I’d never cut myself again but I needed that release. 🩸 I searched for loopholes in my head and ended up scratching at my leg desperately trying to make it bleed while hiding in a shower. Did I burn my arm on the oven on accident? I had lost it, I thought. Even worse than September. Here I am a self employed, 31 year old Wife & Mom of 3, and I’ve totally lost it. I was bound for the straight jacket! 🤪

Back to Reality

This time though, I had been consistently in therapy for nearly 8 months now. I had more tools. I had more resources. My husband was better equipped to handle my insanity. 😅 I just needed a release that day. The thought of traveling over 1,000 miles to a place less than 5 minutes from him, to my hometown, where it all happened, where he was free and there’s a good chance I could see him, made me sick. 😵‍💫

The anticipation was building inside me and I had to erupt! 🌋 I was so scared to go but I HAD to prove to myself I could! He had taken SO MUCH from me, I couldn’t let him keep all of my family away from me too. David and I both NEEDED to go to Ohio to see our Grandmas. David’s Grandmother is 94 years old (he hadn’t been back to Ohio in almost 3 years) and mine was selling her house and I was desperate to see her and it. 🏡 We had to go! Road Trip to Ohio

Aside from a couple dramatic puking incidents and minor meltdowns, I survived the trip. I got to hug my Grandma. 🥰 We got to stay with David’s Grandma. The kids were able to stay with my Dad. We seen WAY more people than we had expected. It was a short & sweet 2 night visit and I’m so thankful I made myself go. For the first time I think I truely seen then beauty in the landscape of Ohio. 🌤The rolling hills, stick built houses, Amish & Corn Fields. I’ve always had such a negative nasty outlook on Ohio and while I will admit it is boring, it is pretty…

And now… I’m still healing. ❤️‍🩹 I’ve reached this point to be able to share my story. It has been very freeing. For the last 20 years I‘ve been abused, doubted, harassed, revictimized, and most everyone only knew his lies. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t defend myself. All I could do was freeze. I was ashamed, embarrassed, & riddled with guilt.

Turning Point

Not Anymore! I have made the decision to take my life back. I have made the decision to do what it takes to get me 100% and if someone benefits along the way then it’ll all be worth it! I choose to hold my own power. I choose to take my life back and not let that person have anything else of me! I am a Workman and I will prevail with my amazing support by my side. I love you David Alan Workman. 💗

Now go find YOUR strength and full potential 💪🏼,

-Vanessa 💙✌🏻 (Workman Hands 🤲🏻)