This is My Story - Part 2

Alright… Let’s pick up where we left off 🥴 I’m around 12 years old at this point and just trying to be a kid. I felt like I had done something wrong and didn’t want anyone to know about it. My best friend lived just up the street and we spent as much time as we could together. She did have a crush on my neighbor. I couldn’t tell her what happened because I didn’t want to upset her. I was also worried he might try to do the same to her so I made sure to be with her whenever I knew she might be around him. Memories

I remember he went to the police academy and joined our small town police force. I believe he became a police officer on my Birthday, August 26. 🤢 My friend and I would ride our bikes as fast as we could on my street and he would try to radar our speed at the top of the hill by the railroad tracks. I’m not sure why I continued to hang around him. I think I wanted to protect my friend and I have a very loving, social, forgiving, excuse making, people pleasing, blind eye personality (thanks Dad 🥴). I thrive on the happiness of others and my part in making their lives better. I was young and dumb and didn’t understand the danger.

I remember riding ATVs with my cousins and friends in the woods and somehow everyone was on a ride except me and my neighbor. 😐 Even my cousins who didn’t live there were riding with us. I didn’t even think twice about it until I realized everyone else was gone and we were alone. I froze in terror. I remember him forcing his hand down my pants and up my shirt. I remember him holding the back of my head and forcing his tongue into my mouth. I remember listening to the dirt bikes and ATVs in the distance praying their sound come closer so he would release me. 🏍 I don’t really remember anything after that. The Window

Some time soon after, things progressed. I don’t remember the first time he broke into my bedroom window... 🪟 but it happened often. I’m sure it was after he realized I had sometimes snuck out to my friends house through my bedroom window. Our prefab modular home had plastic slide locks that could easily be bent and forced open if you pushed up on the window hard enough. I don’t know if the first time the window was unlocked when he entered my room or if he bent the locks from the start. But I made sure to lock the window every night. 🚫

It feels like these “visits” went on for years but in reality it had to be less than a year(?) 🥺 Usually I was asleep when he would enter. Eventually I started sleeping with the light on so he would think I was awake with friends over. Or sometimes I’d have friends sneak over just to keep him away. Sometimes I would put “away messages” on the AOL chat away message that I had a friend over or wasn’t home, when I really was. 💻 And sometimes my sister let me sleep in her room. 💓 He eventually figured out I always left the light on and one time my sister was in my room when he crawled through the window! She sprayed him with a spray bottle and he claimed I invited him. I think he left after that?

At first I fought… I was scared and my fight response was active. 😤 I tried to make noise but he would place his hand or pillow or something over my mouth and constantly reminded me how disappointed my father would be if he found out and how much trouble I would be in. He had me completely convinced that somehow I was the one doing something wrong. 😵‍💫 So eventually… I just gave in. I no longer had the fight left in me. I accepted my fate and learned to disassociate. My fight response burned out quick and the only thing my little self could do was freeze. Most of the time I wasn’t present. I learned to leave my body and float away from the pain in those moments. My body lay lifeless like a rag doll.

The Investigation

My nightmare finally came to an end (or so I thought) when the FBI showed up at my house with guns on their hips. 😵 A friend told another friend she had flashed this neighbor on a dare and he touched her breasts. Thankfully that friend did the right thing and it was reported. The FBI questioned me in front of my parents and seized our hard drive to make a copy. I was terrified. I didn’t speak a word. But I knew he was in trouble and this was great news for me.

He was found guilty and sentenced to 6 months in County Jail. I remember how uncomfortable it was when he came home. 👀 I didn’t want anything to do with him and tried to avoid him like the plague! My Dad had discovered the bent locks and frame on the window and told me he was going to screw it shut. He was thinking I was sneaking out… which I was… but WHY would the locks on the inside be bent!? 🤔 He threatened to screw it shut so I challenged him and told him to, and so he did. And I believe I even added a couple extra screws.

Just before the investigation, I met a new male friend that I clung to. We never “dated” but we were very close friends and he gave me my first consensual sexual experiences. We were kids but he had experienced his own trauma and knew how to help me in that time of my life. He knew what was happening without me telling him but he didn’t know the specifics. That relationship was a HUGE help for me even if they didn’t know it. 💓

Taunting

One evening while hanging with all our friends in the town square, my neighbor drove by. He yelled something like “nice a$$” out the window and continued to circle a few times. I had a horrid panic attack and could not think or hardly walk. 🥵 I ended up tripping off the curb and cut jammed, sprained, my thumb really bad. A couple friends rushed over to help me and a couple others chased after him yelling. I was hysterical. The close male friend I mentioned jumped on his bike and rode straight to my house. He told my Dad what had happened and he didn’t know what exactly was going on but it was bad and it had to do with that guy. ‼️

I guess a friend must have drove me home or my parents picked me up. 🚙There’s no way I could have walked home. I’m assuming my parents questioned me but I know I couldn’t speak. I think I probably just said he was bothering me. My parents went over to his apartment to confront him where he denied everything so they told him just to stay away from me and he agreed. 🙄 And he did for the most part.

The Last Straw

There was one last incident I can remember that set me off. It was evening, another friend of mine was spending the night, and my Dad asked me to get my Mom from my Great Grandmas house next door. 👌🏻 Not even thinking, I put an away message on my messenger that said something like “I’ll BRB have to run to my Mamaw’s! My friend is here though!” Well I assume he seen that and jumped at the opportunity. As I walked up the driveway I didn’t see him behind the tree walking his dog.🐕‍🦺 He reached out and pulled me close to him similar to the incident in the woods. That night for the first time I was angry. 😡 I was angry, confused, and frustrated. Embarrassed to go home in front of my friend. I needed to tell someone but I didn’t know how to say the words… so I started writing. I had always kept diaries/journals/writings but it wasn’t enough. I needed to find help and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do! I found an online diary that others could read and comment. 💻 I figured why not. Maybe I’d get some good advice or at least some sympathy. Bloop Diary

I went on to make an account and record what had happened. I started by writing about the first big incident in the basement and this incident that had just occurred at the tree. ✍🏻 I thought it was enough to grab someone’s attention without having to tell what all was really going on. I printed off the entry with the comments and put it in a folder where I kept other journal entries, pamphlets about mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault, etc.

Self Destruct

Very soon after he ended up moving to the next town over and I felt like I could breathe again! Until I couldn’t… I was puking after eating. 🤮 I was cutting and carving words into my skin with a razor blade. 🩸 I was smoking cigarettes 🚬 and marijuana. I was doing anything I could to dull the aching pain and push all those memories away. It was over. I was finally safe. I was around 15 years old and just wanted to feel normal.

My Mom began to notice the cuts and heard from my friends that I was puking after eating. Even though I was continuing to excel in school and softball, she was worried. She took me and THAT FOLDER with the entry to a behavioral psychologist. I refused to speak with him and of course he reported what he read to the authorities. And that’s where the next chapter in this story begins! 😬

Thanks for Reading! 💗

-Vanessa ✌🏻 (Workman Hands 🤲🏻)