This is My Story - Part 1

Welcome Back! 🙂 This is going to be extremely difficult and uncomfortable. I am going to share with you my story. This is the first time I’m ever sharing my whole truth with anyone (everyone 😳) except my amazing husband. My whole life... How this blog came about, what I’ve been through over the last 20 years, my current state, and my hope for the future.

WARNING ⚠️ This topic and my descriptions may be triggering for some. If this upsets or makes you uncomfortable, please stop. Get the help and support you need before going further.

Although it is not necessary to share the details of your story in order to heal, it is important you have at least 1 major support person you can go to, to express the feelings trapped inside. Speaking the words and feelings out of your body is truly healing. Not always easy… but healing. I feel it necessary to share my story with you in MY journey to heal. If I am going to be raw, open, honest, & vulnerable in this blog on my journey to find healing then you have to know where I’m coming from to understand the path I take to heal. ❤️‍🩹 So let’s begin…

The Beginning

My story starts in a very small town in Northeast Ohio. 🌽 I had a pretty good life. I grew up on a block surrounded by family and friends. My Parents, Uncle & Cousins, Grandparents, & Great Grandmother all owned trailers, modulars, & homes on the street. My sister and cousins and I would play outside for hours in the woods, on the playground, riding bikes, riding ATVs, playing with friends and neighbors. 🤸🏻‍♀️ I was really big into Softball. 🥎 I started playing in 2nd grade and played consistently until I became pregnant with my oldest.

I was a Daddy’s girl. I enjoyed playing softball with and going to the computer & book stores with my Dad. We would listen to music, make up our own jingles, & play memory games. Some of my best and only memories of my childhood come from those trips. Those and building computers, motorcycle, arcades, etc. If you know my Dad, aside from the Guitar/music, he ALWAYS has a hobby going that he pours himself into until the next thing. 😜

The first instance of abuse, I have no idea when this happened. I actually just got this memory back in the last 6 months. It was sometime before the first major incident but I don’t know how long before. Could be a month, could be a year? I remember sitting in the small patch of grass, between his garage and our vehicles, almost out of sight, rolling the ball back and forth. 🥎 My neighbor and I had our legs spread open rolling the ball between them. Then he inched closer and told me to move closer. We ended up sitting Indian Style close to each other within arms reach. He grabbed my wrist and slid my hand up his pants and under his boxers to touch him. I tried to jerk away but he grasped my wrist tight and forced it to stay. After a couple jerks he finally released me and I told him I had to get home. This was my first ever sexual experience. I was just so confused as to what just happened.

One evening when I was about 11/12 years old… This same family friend/neighbor came over to chat music with my Dad while out in the garage. 🎶 His family owned and lived in the tri-plex that shared a driveway with our house. They had lived in the farthest biggest unit for as long as I could remember. Him & his friend had recently moved in to the end unit closest to us. He was 10 years older than I and 5 years older than my sister. He frequently rode ATVs and played basketball with us. He was also a drummer which was what I wanted to be! On that evening in the garage he offered to teach me how to play the drums sometime and we all agreed. I was ecstatic! 🤩

Drumming Lesson

I have no idea if it was the next day, week, or month later but shortly after that conversation, that neighbor approached me while outside throwing the softball around with myself bored. It must have been summer because it seems like my Dad was at work. My Mom might have been at work also or half asleep on the couch watching Lifetime Movies 🛋 and I remember seeing him at our annual “Sweet Corn Festival” afterwards. He offered to teach me the drums right then and there and of course I said yes!!! And that’s where the nightmare begins. I followed him into that apartment. Through the kitchen, into the hall, and down the basement stairs. I remember thinking they must be redoing the basement because the walls were framed with 2x4s but now I think that was just the unfinished design. There was an unfolded foam type layout couch almost like a futon. He told me to sit and he played a few simple beats 🥁 that I could follow along to. I was eager to try. I only had a very small kids drum set and his was much more sophisticated.

After he finished I tried to grab the drumsticks when he said “Wait”… I stopped and he came closer to me and stood between my knees. I knew then something wasn’t right. I reached for the sticks again and asked him if I could just try. He pushed my shoulder to lay me down. With one hand still pinning my shoulder, he began removing my bottoms. I fought to sit up and asked again to play the drums as he tried to force himself inside me.

With no success and clear frustration, he climbed atop me. I fought as he pinned my arms above my head and tried to force himself in my mouth. At that moment we heard a door close upstairs… his roommate. We both froze then he jumped to compose himself. I laid there for a brief moment trying to understand what just happened when I heard his foot hit the stairs and I jumped to get dressed. I’m unsure if he removed my bottoms completely or they were kicked off in the struggle but my underwear wasn’t with my shorts. I didn’t have time to find them. I quickly got dressed and planned my escape. 🚪

I could hear them talking upstairs in a room of the house. I dashed through the kitchen, out the door, across the driveway, and into my house. I don’t remember if anyone was outside or inside my house or really much of anything after that. I remember having an out of body experience sitting in the shower. I’m not sure if it was right after or later that evening. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t connect, it was like I was a million miles away and nothing made sense.

After that I tried not to think about it. I chalked it up as a big misunderstanding and decided never to speak a word of what happened. Although I did keep diaries. AOL Instant Messenger had just gotten big and everyone was into this new way of messaging on the internet. And of course my neighbor messaged me often. Honestly, I don’t remember those conversations. 💬

He now claims I was very “sexual” in those chats with him. I was 11!!! Even IF I was, (which wouldn’t make sense because I knew very little of that stuff before him)… I was 11 and he was 21. He was the adult. And a family member recently told me they remember him sending d*ck pics through AOL messenger also. I remember him daring me to flash him from my living room window (among other things) and he would give me something. 🪟 I NEVER had a crush on him, or wanted anything to happen between us more than a friend. Although I did have a major kid crush on his friend/roommate but he was always very nice and acted appropriate like an adult should.

🙅🏻‍♀️ Phew! Okay let’s take a break 🥵 That was WAY harder than I anticipated but I feel a bit relieved. I apologize for the graphic nature of this first part. I will not be sharing as much detail on the abuse from here on out. The only reason I gave so much detail in that first major event is because that part is already recorded. That and one other small incident that I was forced to testify to at the trial. I don’t remember giving my testimony at trial (at all) so now I can share with a rational adult mind.

If this entry got you stirred up, anxious, or emotional please take a few minutes to do some grounding work!!! 🧘🏻‍♀️ Take time and take care of YOU.

With a Healing Heart ❤️‍🩹,

~Vanessa ✌🏻

(Workman Hands 🤲🏻)